Jo Bekke At Hogwarts with Commentary by a Weirdo
by funkyorange
Summary: Come on, guys, don't tell me you don't know the drill by now! All the usual warnings apply, sixth in the Commentary by a Weirdo series.
1. Jo bele Susie lilee Puttr's entrance!

AN Dis iiz mi stury. MI friend edited it 4 me. You're the best, Darry!** AN: This is my story. My friend edited it for me. You're the best, Darry! **

**(Okay, this chick can't speak in complete sentences. This does not give me much hope for the future.)**

BOOK 1: JO BELLE POTTER AND THE SORCERURS STON

Chapter 1: Dumbledore

Mi nam is Jo bele Susie lilee Puttr.** Why do they **_**insist**_** on giving Mary-Sues ridiculously long names? ** I waz drupped uff at mi uncl and ants hose. wen I waz 3 da dark lurd volddenut killd mi parents. **When you were three? Face, meet palm. I hope you have a long and happy life together. **I used to hav a bruthr but he livs in engglnd.** Oh, **_**honestly.**_** Just because he lives somewhere different to you does not mean that he is no longer your brother. What an idiot.** Now mi ant in uncl in sutth carulia** Where?** razed me. Dey r abusive. Dey rap and hurt me.** They rap you? Does that mean they make raps about you?**

I hav durty blond hair, that hangs down to mi feet.** Rapunzel, Rapunzel, cut off your hair before I do it for you. ** i hav dimond blu ies dat sparkl. Sometimes my eis are green or yellow.**... I thought they were, and I quote, 'dimond blu ies dat sarkl'. (You have no idea how hard it was for me to write that.)** OI ***jerkes head up mid-snore* Wazzat? **am super hot!111111111** Definitely a Mary-Sue then.**

1 dae **How…descriptive? **I waz wlkin doewn da street nd I cm hom der was a ledder on da doorstep. I gspd!11111111111111 it sad hugwurts skill od wickraaf **How the holy hell do you get **_**that **_**out of 'Witchcraft'? **nd wizrdy. I tried to get it butt sdunely… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … .. .. ..** SO. MUCH. SUSPENSE. **

A knif came me!111111111111111 Im fast thouh, so I caut it nd thru it bak at mi dum uncl.** That's nice.**

it hit him in da crocht **That's even nicer. **and he did. **He did what? **den antie Beatrice **…Is this supposed to be Petunia or a completely new aunt? **cam up. "U klld mi usbnd u freek!111111111111111"** Oh you mean dead, not did. Why didn't you say dead? Oh yeah, because you are incapable of intelligent thought.**

Hes nut ded.' I told hur. Den I wavd mi hnd n he cam bak to lif! **No magic can bring back the dead, you…ludicrous fool! **"Jpo bel!" he screemd

Mi ant thru me acruss the rume.\ I hit da wull nd nearly pasd out!** But you didn't, because nothing can defeat a Mary-Sue!**

"wuts dat letr u hav,' jo bel?" ant betric askd

"NOOO" Uncl sd.** He's very nonchalant about his brush with death.**

"I hut wed stuppd it!" ant betrik sad.** I think they're upset she got her Hogwarts letter, but we all wish she hadn't got it.**

"den unl grvaed be nd thruuu me acrss da rume. DEN DA DUR FLU OPEN!111111111.. ….. .. .. . . .. .** Is this supposed to be Hagrid's big entrance?**

An old man was der.** Well that nice! Hagrid's not **_**that**_** old!** He had a long blak beerd. He spok in an awsum suthurn bretesh axnt. "I am Pruffsr ALbis Peeter Quintin alexndr Dumbldur!111111111" he crid.

**Dumbledore's beard is white.**

**It's Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. (I had to check the spellings, but…yeah.)**

A flash uv litenin was seen oteside da durr. It lukeed lik mi scar. I hav a scar ov a litenn bult on mi 4hd.** Oh doesn't this sound familiar. **

Dumbldur sd. "Cum w/ me jo bel I hav ur bruthur."!1** I don't know whether to look forward to this or to be scared.**

2 B CNTUUD!** To be continued, indeed…**


	2. Hairy Putters and Harre POTTER

A?n This da second chappy, I hop u lik it!11 Thanks to Darrel for da ediding! Ur da best. **AN: This is the second chapter, I hope you like it! Thanks to Darrel (I thought the editor was Darry?) for editing! You're the best!**

Chapter 2: Harre Putter **So this dude's a hairy golfer?**

Dumdumfore tuk mi 2 Englend. **Could be worse, she could have spelt it In-Gland. Hey…STAY OUT OF MY COUNTRY, YOU FOOL!**It waz relly cull.** Yeah, a lot of culling goes on here. *eyeroll*** I saw a olot ov peple there. Wen one of those stinky Nurthurnurs cam up, I killed thm.** Hey! I happen to live quite far north in England. **NOrthernurs ar so stupid. **More intelligent than you, though.** Den Dumumdor tok me to ribet Driv. **FROG COUNTRY! GO FROGS!** We knoked up the door. **Didn't anyone teach you about safe sex?**A fat gay boy ansered the dur** I love the fact she can tell whether someone is gay or not by how they look. **

/hoo r u" he aksed.** Good question. Who do you think you **_**are**_**, bitch?**

"don talk to me GAYY."** …Oh, it's another homophobic asshole. We tend to get a lot of those, don't we?**

"Dadddyy, he said, running away and crying.

Then a 11 yeer old boy cam up. **And now she can tell ages by how people look. **"Who r u.' he asked

Im prufesxsr dumfumdoor, and dis iz y=r sister** …Oh dear sweet lord, the **_**grammar!**_** *dies***

"I;m jo bell,' I told him;

"im… … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … ** SO. MUCH. SUSPENSE. **Harre POTTER! **I thought you were Harre Putter. **

Bcuntined **To be continued. (Oh god, no!)**

_Hello, my people._

_Sorry about the wait, the original has been taken down, but never fear- I have my ways of getting what I want._

_Love, funky xxxxx_


	3. More reasons to hate you Yay!

A/N Daryll ur da bes. Thanks 4 edidin. **AN: Daryll/Darry/Darrel you're the best. Thanks for editing. (What exactly is this guy's name?)**

CHaptre 3: The trpi 2 Digon Alee. **Face, meet palm. I hope you have a long and happy life together.**

"Im HAree Potter," HE SAID. ** I thought this was cleared up in the last chapter?**

'NO WAE," i sed. "im ur sister." **Big wow.**

"cull he sed," **NO, Harry. NOT cool. Run, run, as fast as you can, or else the Mary Sue will get you.**

Then I noticd somthin. "Y do u hav a Suthern axent wen your from Enhglend?" **Lots of planets have a South! (Sorry, Doctor Who flashback there!) But I am curious as to why, exactly, he has an accent from, and I quote, "sutth carulia". Wherever that's meant to be. **

"Cuz Im frum Suthern Englend lol." **Do you reckon I can sue the writer for giving me eyeroll/facepalm-related injuries?**

"LOl'" ***facepalm***

"Don't u hat northurnurs?" he sad. **Oh for god's sake…**

\ "I knoe rite/" ** Random slash-y thing attack is random.**

Dumduldur agreed. "now its tim to go 2 Digon Allee." **How can you misspell 'alley'? It's the simplest word ever!**

"But wat aout mi cousins?" **What cousins? Are they really that forgettable?**

"Dey're stupid Northernors so it don't matter." **Oh that's nice.**

"Good, I jus hat them : **Oh kaaaaaay….**

"Now, Jo bekke Will do the majic. **Why? She hasn't even been to Hogwarts yet! ** Now, telepotr us to Diafon Ally!" **What? **

I said the incantation. Suddnly we were in Digon Alley! **Oh my gosh, mega wow!**

2 BE CONTINUED!11111111111111111 **To be continued! (Please, give us some more reasons to hate you!)**


	4. Shit

_Hi. _

_Okay, I deserved that slap. And quite possibly that one, too. Three's overkill. _

_Anyway, my point- I have been a bad, bad author. No updates on ANY of my stories, why, it's a wonder you're not lynching me right now. What do you mean, you're thinking about it?_

_Okay, I'm not going to bore you with the details- if you want them, feel free to ask, but it's pretty boring story. But it involves Paris, so, you know, not that boring._

_Love, funky._

aN: So, tanks to Daryl 4 fixin da gramer. Ur da best! Flamrs: GO 2 HELL! **AN: So thanks to Daryl (seriously, what is this guy's name? Does he change it every day or something?) for fixing the grammar. (…I harbour a sneaky suspicion the author is just a monkey bashing a type writer, and Daryl is an evil genius plotting to rule the world by driving us all to insanity. Just a theory. Plus, I would hate to see the beta-less version.) You're the best! Flamers: GO TO HELL. (Not just 'go to hell', 'GO TO HELL'. Biiig difference.)**

Chapter $: DIgon Aley purt 1 **Chapter Dollar sign: Diagon Alley part one.**

Profesur dumbledum **Who's that, Dumbledore's evil twin? **tuk us to a stor calld Grignots.***headdesk*** Yo can get free monee ther.** Free money? I want in on that shit!** Wee go in. **Heheh. God, I'm a child. **A gremlin cums ***spit-take* Whaaa? **up to us. "oH U mus b jO bEkk potter. Weve been watein 4 u. o nd hllo harre."** Da fuck? Harry is the most famous dude in the history of famous, people! It's not, "OMG hi random person who I have just met and isn't famous at all! Oh, hi Harry Potter. Didn't see you there." It's the other way around. **

Dumbldum commntd on his status,** What is this, Facebook?** "luk her gremlin** her gremlin? Does she have, like, a personalised one?**, jus tak us to der vault, and NOT de enegy drink,** Whut? What energy drink? **ok, do, you, get, that** random comma attack is random.** mistr 'helo jO beKL?"

The gremln srummk in feer. "Yes, jus dnt hrt me."** Oh for shit's sake…**

/I wnt hrt u, but jO beKKE might! **Who said that? Is it the voices again? Damn, I thought I was rid of those guys!**

The gremlin sed, "letz\s go 2 ur valt." **Letz. The street version of 'lets'.**

We got in da sports car and druve into da valt.** What type of sports car?** "Bi da wae mi nam iz golum,"**….FUCK THIS SHIT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!*APE OUT* …. **_**Two hours later**_**… Okay, calm again now. ** da gremlin sed.

GoLUm tuk us doewn into da valt. "Is this da valt," I aksd.** Nice deduction there. Mr. Holmes would be very proud.**

"Yeperoo,' **…Oh god, is it bad I can actually picture that? What is wrong with me?** golumn saeid.

'Iz this da valt,l" haree askd/ **She JUST FREAKIN' ASKED THAT YOU OOMPA-LOOMPA MONKEY PROBLEM!**

"Yes."** At least it wasn't 'Yeperoo'. **

Dmbldurm tuk jo bELe and haree into the lair. **What lair?** DER WAS A DRAGON DER!111111 **And it ate Jo Bekke or Jo Belle or MarySue Elle or whatever the hell her name is and we all lived happily ever after. The end.**

2 B CUNTOUED** Shit.**


	5. Go to Hulk!

_So, I guess this is hello again. I'm sorry for my long absence, but you know what? Not gonna make excuses. I'm just going to say, I'm sorry and I'm still alive. Also, I couldn't find this anywhere, so I scoured the internet for about 20 minutes, then I found it. So this chapter is dedicated to the Moonlight Forum. On with the horror!_

A/N: Stop FLamIm u r stupid nd gae! GO 2 HEKLK! **AN: Stop flaming you are stupid and gay! Go to (I'm not quite sure what this means…go to **_**hulk**_**? Like, why? You might get smashed! No, wait…I think it's hell? That makes more sense.) hell. **

Chpaarte 5: Da mystikel dregon **Chapter (chpaarte? What the actual hell? How do you get **_**that**_** from **_**chapter**_**?) 5: the mystical dragon.**

DER WAZ A DRAGEN DER!11111111111** IS YOUR CAPS LOCK BROKEN? But seriously, I never would have guessed tthere was a **_**dragon**_** in a chapter called **_**the mystical dragon**_**. Plot twist!**

Gollum **Gollum, why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be in The Hobbit at the moment? **sed, ' u hav 2 dfeet da dregon w? ur pwors 2 get 2 da vult.** You have to remove the dragon's feet?**

"k," hare end ei sed.** How the **_**fuck**_** do you misspell 'I'? It's one of the first things you learn in school!**

We wnen in but haree got scrd.** Harry. Harry Potter got scared of a dragon? This is bullshit!** I hd to go in by myslf. Jo bElle wen in.** Woah, POV change! **

Da Dragen was ornge aand spok in a northurn axent.** Holy shit, it's a dragon who uses fake tan! Also, what's wrong with Northerners, again?** "Im da dregon hoo gurds Grinworts!"** I'm finding myself amused by all the ways of spelling Gringotts. **

"GO TO HELL~!#$%^'./,./** Who said that? **

I stebbd da drehoon thur the hert. It died.** Well no shit, most things do when they're stabbed through the heart.**

"GO JO BEKLE! GO JI BKEL! **What? I cannot believe that they misspell their name in one sentence, and misspell it a **_**completely different way **_**in the next! **123 GOGOGO!" **What are you, a** **cheerleader? **Dumdubledumre** Whut. ** SCREEMED NGRILY** Wait, so he's encouraging her angrily? Whaaat?**

"WHOS DA DREGON SLEYOR? N U R! WHOS DA PRETTYST MOST AMAZNG SXYEST BUTIFUL AMZING SXY WONDRFUL GILR? JPO BELLE PUTTER"** Why do I get the feeling this is the exact opposite of what people in the real world say about this author? Also, 'prettiest most amazing sexiest beautiful amazing sexy wonderful'? Does anyone else detect a **_**slight**_** overuse of sexy and amazing?** Du,mblurode Gooluu, Haree, and snale sad.** They sound like a zoo, you know, Hare and Snail. And they're sad when they say this word vomit. DON'T WORRY! I SHALL SAVE YOU FROM THIS TERRIBLE FIC! Nah, just kidding. This is far too entertaining.**

Gremlin** Who is this guy? Gremlin or Gollum? I'm confused.** sed, "nowe u mae pass into da chamber uv trrezures.** Is that like the Chamber of Secrets? Or is it just a random chamber of 'trrezures'?**

2 b CONTNUED!** Nooooo! **


	6. Oh my fiesta!

A/N Ty Darel for fixin da gramer erurs. Ur da vvest.** AN: Thank you Darel for fixing the grammar errors (I think this guy's just playing with you, you know. No one could be that crappy at grammar. Apart from you, assbutt.) You're the best. (I think it'd be cool if it was meant to be 'you're the vest'. "You're the VEST, dude!")**

Chaptr 6: Trezur** Chapter Six: Treasure (I think).**

Dumblrus sd drastically, **I think you mean dramatically, dear. **"he iz ur twreszrue"** He is your treasure!**

"OMFGTISA" I seD sadly.** What does that mean? Is it supposed to say 'oh my fiesta'? That'd be awesome. Might have to use that.**

"Dnt b so happe jo bEKl;e,' hary sed.** Yeah, Jo Beckley. **

"Ut dis iz mor monee den I evr ceen b4"** I wish that it all turned into explosives and you died. Please?** jo Belke sed.

We entrd da trezur rum cotiouslee.** The treasure rum **_**what?**_** Also, treasure rum? Is that really expensive rum?** We wlkd inid n hrd somtin. Den we luked in. SNALE AND KWERREL WERE DOING IT TOGEDER!** Oh. My. Fiesta. **

_Short chapter is short. Weird, huh? _


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